Edywn Collins - A Girl Like You…
just follows it
<3
Double Rainbow - No I’m not going to cry about it.
Today, even thought I was flaked on by an aquaintence that I hope will be a friend or co-habitant, I was returning to my friend’s house who is letting me crash on his couch, and I saw a double rainbow. Sometime the blessings are very simple. It rained most of the day, but my whole drive to Berkeley and back, the skies opened up and was sunny the whole trip. Nice! I hate driving in bad weather.
I have days when I feel so on top of the world. And then there are days when I am desperately seeking a way out of the cage. The months of depression are behind me I know this. But, when I am not focused on a project of some kind, my memories rewind like a VHS tape on hyper speed. The flashbacks are so clear. Feels like it was happening five minutes ago. Why does it always have to be the painful memories that catch up? The dark side of my nature wants me to remember the guilt, pain, deception, and lust I lived. Then I see something like the rainbow. It’s very simple, and has no human co-relation to me. It reminds me that the world is so beautiful. That if I had been any other place at that very moment, I would not have gotten to see it. Nothing more simple could remind me that no matter what the emotional pain I have, or memories that come to haunt me, I am indeed still right here, right now, and I must start from here. Otherwise, I would be there.
I stay above it somehow because I have been down so many paths before. I know the inevitable in making the same choices over and over. My old choice was to dwell on the pain, and expect something miraculous to bring me out of the mire. That definitely does not work. Things may be up in the air in my life, my family may have been ripped from me, I may always pick the same man to be in a relationship with because I had a fairy tale in child hood that I believe can’t come true, I may be unemployed and homeless technically, but I am still here. I have support from friends that came out of the woodwork… all of the experiences I had in my life brought me to here. I have few expectations of the future, but I am thankful for the now, and I can accept that.
I am a weird and sad person deep down, but I still feel unique enough to be able to love the world around me.
